In April, we remember Brian.

In April, we remember Brian. On April 2, Brian would be celebrating his 32nd birthday. When we remember someone who is no longer here on earth to celebrate their birthday, so many emotions flood our hearts.

Today, I share some of my experience when I think of Brian and his birthday.

It usually starts as February ends and March begins; it’s like clockwork. My body feels different. My heart is heavy, tears drop easy. The shift just happens. It’s been happening since that first birthday without you: April 2nd .

It is the thoughts, the questions, the missing. It returns, like an unwanted friend. But we learn to befriend our grief for it is our love with no place to go.

It is kind of wondering: wondering why you left and why we couldn’t help you. You were so loved. I wonder.

I remember the wonder of you as a child: your charm and your passion for everything and anyone in your path.

I wonder about this life, and how it has unfolded with you there and I am here.

I wonder where there is.

I wonder about your life at 32.

I know that some of the wonder isn’t wonder. Some of it is a knowing.

I know you are with me.
I know you are guiding me.
I know you are my reason.
I know I will always be your mom.
I know I love you forever.

Happy Birthday Brian.