Remembering Brian on His 30th Birthday

This day arrives each year with the anticipation beginning about a month before when the calendar turns to March 2nd. Regardless of the number of years, the hesitation, the anticipations begins again, counting down to April 2nd. This year would have been a milestone year. This year on April 2nd, Brian would have celebrated his 30th birthday.

Eleven birthdays without him.

Eleven birthdays remembering his smile, his love, his light. Remembering the love while simultaneously honoring the profound loss I feel without him is what I to do.

My mind can only imagine who he would be today or what he would look like. 

Eleven years later, time and space have given me the wisdom of understanding that grief doesn’t end. Grief is love with no place to go; I simply surrender to the feelings within. 

For me, creating a yearly ritual, in a strange way has given me something to do for his birthday when especially in the early years, I didn’t know what to do.

Every year, I place an “in memorial” in the newspaper, carefully thinking about every word to be printed.
I’m grateful for the kindness and compassion of the people at The Day newspaper, the strangers who listened to me to cry, those first few years, when I said Brian’s name. 

In 2016, I started another ritual when I didn’t know what to do. That day came, April 2nd, and I felt lost, wondering about my house. What would be Brian be doing today? He’d probably be starting off the day with either a Shack breakfast or Flanders Donuts- or maybe both.

You can read more about my tradition here:

Each year, this annual community ritual with two of Brian’s favorite local restaurants allows me to honor Brian and share his love. Once again, it gives me something to do when I don’t know what to do.

So on April 2nd, enjoy chocolate pancakes at the Shack or have a delicious Flanders donut and remember Brian. Remember his kind heart and gentle sprit and offering the same for others.

Wishing you moments of peace-