Another birthday without you

Dear Brian,

Without fail, almost to the day, every year at this time, the memories flood my heart of that early April day when you arrived, shadowed by the darkness when you left. Why am I surprised that the twelfth birthday without you should be any different? How do I accept what is unacceptable?

So, I search.

I search for you in the people and the places you loved. I search for you in the sky, in the stars, and in the sunsets. And I search for words to describe you. I try to describe how you loved with an intensity buried deep your gentle soul, reminding me of the words for Starry, Starry Night: “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you”.

I search for an understanding of why life is this way, and you are there and me here. How do I accept the unacceptable?

Happy 31st birthday Brian.

No need to accept the unacceptable because we both know you’re still here with me and with all who love you.