Happy 33rd Birthday, Brian

Grief reminds us...

Grief is simply our love with no place to go. 

Grief has no timeline.

We never get over our loss. 

I use these words to try to comfort others who are grieving. I know all this is true. So why is it that on hard days like birthdays or death dates am I surprised at the rawness of my emotions?  

The brain says, “It’s been 14 birthdays without Brian. You’re used to this by now.” 

The heart says, “Brian would be 33 years old. He was only 19 when he left, this hurts so much.” 

Why am I surprised that weeks before April 2nd, life is just harder to do. 

The truth is, as the years move by, grief becomes more of a friend than an enemy. It’s like a humble friend gently reminding me that love never dies. It gently whispers to me that my son died. A validation to me that I have every right to feel all that I am feeling. And that despite the years, the tears flow as easily as if it were yesterday. This grief reminds me of the all too  familiar feelings of overwhelming sadness, emptiness, and an ache that pervades every part of my being. I remind myself to lean into the sadness. Let the tears come. 

I am also reminded that this heaviness of  grief will soften. My breathing will become easier.  Joy, happiness, and love  will return in my heart.  And I know that in time, the tears dry up and that in time, thoughts of Brian will bring smiles, not tears. And I am reminded of how fortunate I was to be his mom. 

Happy 33rd birthday Brian. I love you and miss you everyday-

Love,
Mom

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